WORDS OF AFFIRMATION: THE CURSE

Maybe it's the holiday spirit or my unnerving curiosity, but recently, I've been thoroughly obsessed with learning about love languages.

According to 5lovelanguages.com, everyone falls under, well, 5 love languages. The list includes Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, Physical Touch, and Words of Affirmation. Most people have two love languages: one they'd like to receive and one they are prone to giving. These can be the same love languages or two completely different ones. For example, my giving is Physical Touch, while my receiving is 100% Words of Affirmation. And unfortunately, it is not something that I am remotely fond of.

I feel as though I am always looking for those pats on the head. I want people to congratulate me on being alive and doing the smallest of things. And when I don't get those reassuring pats, my mind goes into panic mode, thinking that everyone and their brother hates me. I hate that about myself.

It's frustrating that I stress over the fact that people may not like me. More than that, that I stress about the idea that people think that I do like them. The idea that I'm desperate for attention makes me livid. The fact that I feel the need for someone to pat me on the head is already bad enough. Why would I want someone to know that weakness.

My ego knows that that idea is true. It says, "heck yes, of course she wants attention!" It screams that I need affirmation from anyone that breaths.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I want to see someone that doesn't need anyone to tell them what's good and what's bad. I want to see someone who doesn't give a flying crap about anyone or anything. I want to see a Caroline that's happy with making herself happy, not by making others happy or by being told that I am happy. But that's ultimately not realistic.

At the end of the day, I do need compliments. I yearn to feed off of them and make them a very special part of me. I must internalize them like candy to a baby and replay people saying them over and over again in my head.

I'll try to be better. Really. I vow to stop thinking about those voices in my head that are hungry for kind words. I'll spin it around and give others words I wish I didn't need. And I won't care if people like my shoes or think I'm smart or not.

Most of all, I'll stop internalizing the comments that are bad for me; the hurtful ones.

You know, you shouldn't really care what people think. Not unless you're running a country or trying to make a pop song. Other than that, people shouldn't have any impact on how you walk through life (unless you're thinking about walking around naked, then you should probably take some people's advice).

I know that this isn't a foreign feeling. I'm not the only one that needs reassurance that I'm doing everything alright. Everyone needs to be told that.

So from me to you and hopefully back again, you're doing everything right. And if you aren't, that shouldn't stop you from doing better.

Here's to loving words of affirmation. But not an unhealthy extent.

From my narcissism to yours,

Caroline

Final note: here's my ultimate "I love myself and am my own words of affirmation supplier" song, if you care to make yourself happy for 3 minutes and 56 seconds.

https://open.spotify.com/track/5h68UTytwmTJDwoGbqLwzV?si=xyYE9cKeQ6eDOykd0H2lFg