Mental Health Chat!

Hey everyone that lives and breaths and cares about this at all.

I'm going to be honest with you: I've been very inactive on this blog as of recently.

The truth is that every time I sit down to write, I'm overcome with this feeling that it won't be good enough. I have the mentality that "hey, no one's going to read this, so why do I even try?", making me feel useless and without passion.

Sometimes the thought of even starting something, makes me aware of how foolish I will look or sound doing it.

I'm not a particularly honest person when it comes to accepting and admitting my faults. I don't want anyone to know that something challenges me. In my head, it makes the most sense to come off as better than the average Joe; smarter, funnier, more extroverted, better at writing, etc.

I don't want to be seen as weak or stupid or inferior to my peers. It worries me constantly, keeping me up at night, wondering if my legacy is to disappoint myself.

And most of all: I hate the unpredictable, most especially change.

Lately, I've had a rough time comprehending the uncontrollable. In response to recent events in the Winston-Salem area, I haven't been at my best. My fear of the things I can not control haunt me, my mind going into panic mode anytime something slightly abnormal happens.

Power outages and fire alarms derail my day, pushing me into my car, away from school, telling me to go home before something bad happens.

I can't help but think of all of the horrible, no good, very bad ways that things could go down. My brain is aggravated and exhausted with these unfulfilled scenarios, frustrated with the unknown.

This isn't angled to be a ranting post. It's not a pity party or a cry for attention or anything of the sort. I want people to understand that it's ok to feel this way. Or any way at all.

Whether you're emotionally fine and moving along quite well, or if you need help and an outlet to express how you're feeling. That's completely ok.

Maybe I'm really just saying this for some self-assurance. Most likely I am.

At the end of the day, I want to have said that I spent my time doing what I wanted and needed to do. I don't want to be in constant fear every time I enter a classroom or the crowded hallways. I don't want to feel like I am in constant competition with everyone else to win a game called 'college'. I don't want to think about what anyone else thinks about me.

I want to go about life feeling like nothing affects me and nothing can derail me from reaching my destiny.

But that's a horribly isolating and naive way to walk about life.

I don't know what else to say. In my head, I feel like I should have some deep and thought-provoking conclusion that says something along the lines of "we'll be alright". But I'm not 100% certain that that's true anymore. I think you just have to accept that your faults are part of your character and that no one else in the world is quite like you. Your goals in life aren't other people's goals and your dreams aren't what other people dream for.

You can't control what other people do or say or what they got on that test. You can control the things you do and things you say and how hard you prepared for that test. And that should be enough. Right? You can't walk about life anticipating death. You simply won't live.

Like the Avett Brothers said that one time: "Break this tired old routine and this time don't make me leave. I am a breathing time machine. I'll take you all for a ride."

You are so much more than your worst days, months, and years.

Your best days haven't even happened yet.

You are a breathing time machine; a capsule of your own mistakes and emotions and insecurities.

Thanks for reading. Or not reading. Anything at all is good enough for me.